For over 100 years the average age of marriage has been in the twenties. It makes sense. Most join the workforce in their twenties, get a footing into adulthood, meet someone who they connect with, and naturally, many decide to tie the knot.
But few put much thought into what they need to do to prepare for marriage, aside from simple logistics and such. It’s no wonder so many marriages end in divorce. Ask yourself this question: when taking a road trip, do you jump in your car and just start driving? I know I don’t. I plan the route, pack everything I need, and even bring a few “just in case” items. I like to know what’s ahead of me when I’m about to approach something new. So why do so many people enter into marriage without a good plan? I can’t answer that, but I can ensure that you know what you need to do to prepare for marriage. Hopefully with some work and a little fairy dust you can get a better idea of what it will take from you to ensure a good marriage.
This is part one in a multi-part series. As the series progresses, links will be shared at the bottom of each post to ensure that you don’t miss any of it.
Disclosure: I’m no marriage therapist or counselor. I’m just a writer who likes to learn about the things that are important to me, and when I do, naturally I like to share them with people who could benefit from them.
Communication: It’s the most important part of a marriage, and yet so few people REALLY do it. There’s a difference between talking about what you want for dinner and what you expect from each other. When they say communication is key they mean genuine, deep communication. Ever notice how so many people talk to their friends about the problems in their relationships? Most of them never even communicate those problems to their parter, the person who has the power to make the changes… It’s sad really.
Listen: Too often people hear communication and think it means you have to talk. And too often people neglect the more important part of communication. That’s why I’ve separated it here. The most important part of communicating is the listening part. It’s sometimes scary to express needs to your partner, so when it does finally happen be sure that you are listening and understanding exactly what they are saying. If you are a good talker you’ll have a good marriage. If you are a great listener you’ll have a fantastic marriage.
Adjust: Marriage isn’t like dating… when you date it’s important to assess the person for compatibility and letting them know you for you. By the time marriage comes, you should be past that point. You should be ready to adjust some of your habits, beliefs, and practices for a smooth, healthy relationship. That’s right folks, marriage means sacrifice. Sometimes you’ll have to give up a little, and every once in a while you’ll have to give up a lot to make things work. Marriage isn’t just about the other person giving you everything you need in life, it’s a bridge of partnership that if made too rigid will crumble. Keep things flexible.
Define Self: Many people enter into marriage with love blinders on, and a few years (or even months) down the line they don’t even recognize themselves anymore. If you don’t know who you are, what you stand for, and where you want to be, you will lose yourself quickly in marriage. Making sacrifices in marriage doesn’t mean giving up self. If you don’t know exactly who you are, you have no business getting married. Find yourself first. Then find love.
Have goals: It’s important to be working towards something, both as a couple and individually. Inspire each other. Have a plan for your life together. Have a plan for your own success. Work hard and become great both together and personally.
80/20 not 50/50: Recognize this: If both partners consider marriage a 50/50 commitment, then if either slip up or get lazy, then the marriage isn’t getting 100% of what it needs. But when each partner considers marriage an 80/20 commitment (meaning each puts 80% into it, and expect only 20% from each other), then you’ll always put more than enough work into your relationship, and when you get more than your expected 20% back you’ll always be happy.
Sex: It’s one of the most cited reasons for divorce, aside from money. You know what you expect from your partner sexually, but chances are your partner doesn’t. Have the talk, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. Realize that this talk will never be more uncomfortable than when you find out a couple of months in that you are a pretty vanilla sexual person and your partner is a freak-in-the-sheets. Here are some of the things you should communicate sexually:
- How many times per week (average of course):
- What are you into: make a detailed list of things you are into, could be into, and aren’t interested in. Share with your partner
- What you wouldn’t do: Make that list too, and make sure your partner understands.
- What you find ideal: The easiest way so satisfy someone is to know what they want, right? Help your partner be the best for you.
Discuss Finances: Have a plan. Know who’s paying for what. Forget about gender roles. You are a team, and if you have a plan that both of you can commit to, you’ll do better than anyone who plays by any sort of “role”.
Forgiveness: Another thing that ruins relationships is people who say they forgive but don’t. If you’ve forgiven your partner for something, it’s a terrible thing to do to bring it up in a later fight. It’s like a punch in the kidneys, and they will feel attacked. Try your hardest to always forgive, and once you do, let it go. If it comes up later, you didn’t REALLY let it go, now did you?
More to come in part 2…
