This is part two in a multi-part series. Missed part 1? Check it out here.
Alright. So we’ve covered some great points so far. But marriage is a life long commitment (though statistics wouldn’t say so…) and we really have to ensure we haven’t missed anything. Here are some more things to think about when preparing yourself for marriage in your twenties.
Don’t expect your spouse to know anything: This is something that I’ve found women often do. They expect that men will understand simple things like telling you you’re beautiful as often as you need. The sad fact is that us men are pretty simple creatures, and because of that we are sometimes stupid to your needs. But you know what we are really good at? Doing the things we know how to do. What does this mean? It means if he knows what you need, he can be the best at giving it to you. Understand that our egos are invested in our relationship, which means that not only will we work hard to please you, but we’ll work hard for our own reputation. We pride ourselves on knowing that we are good at what matters to us. Make it easy for us. Give us the instructions. We’ll put things together.
Discuss In-Laws Boundaries: Too often one spouse or the other will have parents who get involved. That’s not the problem though (parents are just trying to help). The problem is that the other spouse feels like their toes are being stepped on. Discuss with your partner how often, when, and how you want your parents to get involved in your marriage. Remember that your loyalty is, and always should be, to your spouse.
Division of Labor: There will always be a lot to do, and if it isn’t decided soon and often it will lead to problems. Negotiate the chores and ALWAYS do your share. Also, be compassionate when your partner forgets, or doesn’t pull their own weight. Help them when you can. The appreciation will be there.
Fight Fairly: There’s nothing more scary than a partner who goes over the top in a fight. Things are said or done, and egos and feelings are beaten. If your spouse really is your life partner, you should NEVER attack them. No matter what they do, you chose them, and you should stand by your choice. A fight can include addressing needs not met, feelings, and opinions. But when it becomes hurtful or offensive, realize that you crossed the line, and that you are now in the wrong. Don’t cross that line.
Respect Your Partner: It’s easy to remember what you’ve sacrificed for your partner. It’s easy to remember all of the things you do to ensure a successful marriage. But it’s difficult to assume that your partner has done things and made sacrifices that you aren’t aware of. Always be respectful to your partner, no matter what the situation. Assume that they are working harder than you, and respect the hard work, regardless of your observation. Always do as much as you can, and then some more.
Learn New Things Together: There is nothing that builds a bond like learning and doing new things together. It’s an awesome experience and it leads two people to feel closer to each other. Take some time each week to spend learning with your partner. It will allow you to spend time together and is a great friendship building technique. Plus, you’ll learn from each other, and that’s a wonderful experience as well.
Spend Time Alone: Marriage doesn’t mean that you join at the hip and can only do things together and with other couples. Chances are you both had friends before marriage. You should keep up those friendships and have a social life that isn’t dependent on your partner. A sudden loss of individuality can lead to unnecessary strain on your marriage.
Don’t Compare Your Marriage To Others: Many times people will get to talking and all of a sudden you’ll feel like there is a problem in your marriage because of something someone else’s spouse says or does. Resist the urge to compare your marriage to someone else’s. Your marriage is unique, and what it requires is very different then what anyone else requires. Treat it as such.
Live in Reality: After the honeymoon you’ll start to realize that life isn’t paradise, and that your partner is a human. Let me fill you in on a few realities:
- Women DO poop, and contrary to popular belief, it does stink.
- Men DO fart, and not just a little.
- Women DO take a long time to get ready, and men DO get annoyed having to wait.
- People snore, steal covers, and kick in their sleep.
- Men get sweaty.
- Women have periods.
- Married life is work, not just play.
- Your in-laws are your family now, like it or not.
- People repeat themselves often. Instead of reminding them that you’ve heard the story, listen to it again. And again. And again. Life is too short, even if those stories aren’t.
- You can go to bed angry, and there will be times when you do. Don’t make him or her sleep on the couch, he/she doesn’t deserve that.
- Let your partner do things his way when he does them, and you do them your way when it’s your turn.
- Don’t ask your fella if anything makes you look fat. He loves you, and he’ll always try his best to make you feel good. Take a look in the mirror and just decide.
- Boys like to do things that some girls might find crazy, like making any car they own either faster or taller, riding a motorcycle, sky diving, owning so many tools you think he’s crazy, always wanting a new gadget, working out all the time, hanging with the guys as often as you’ll allow it, playing video games for days at a time, etc.
- Girls like to do things that boys might find crazy, like buying very large amounts of makeup, getting her nails done, spending hours to get ready, trying on multiple outfits before choosing the right one, thinking it’s important for guys to do things a certain way, they cry a lot, and sometimes at the strangest moments,etc.
You may have already known about that last one, but it’s easy to get caught up in the fantasy of marriage and forget that you’re both still human. You have to learn to live together through all of the good and bad. There will be things you don’t like about your spouse, and you need to suck it up and just live with it.
There’s plenty more to come in part 3 of the series. Stay tuned!
